THE DISTANCE WASN’T BECAUSE I DIDN’T CARE

“The distance wasn’t because I didn’t care. If anything—it was because I did.”-Bowling Left-Handed, by Terri McNamara

This is one of the lines from my memoir that stopped me when I wrote it.

Because it explained something I didn’t understand for a very long time.

For years, I thought connection was simple.

If you cared about someone, you moved closer.

If you loved someone, you let them know.

If a relationship mattered, you fought for it.

But what I eventually realized is that not everyone experiences closeness that way.

Sometimes the people who want connection most are also the people most afraid of it.

Looking back, I can see how often I found myself caught between two opposing desires.

Part of me wanted to be seen.

Part of me wanted to hide.

Part of me wanted reassurance.

Part of me didn’t want to need it.

I craved connection, but I didn’t always trust it.

And when something felt important, that tension became even stronger.

What fascinates me now is how invisible those patterns can be while we’re living inside them.

When we watch a movie, it’s easy to see what the characters should do.

Tell them how you feel.

Stay in the conversation.

Take the risk.

Be honest.

The audience sees the whole picture.

The character doesn’t.

The character only sees their fears, their history, and the stories they’ve learned to believe about themselves.

Real life works much the same way.

Most of us aren’t making decisions from a place of complete clarity.

We’re making them from the patterns we’ve learned over time.

The strategies that once helped us feel safe.

The walls we built for reasons we may no longer remember.

And often those strategies continue long after they’ve stopped serving us.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that people rarely pull away because they don’t care.

Sometimes they pull away because they care deeply.

Because vulnerability feels dangerous.

Because uncertainty feels overwhelming.

Because being fully seen feels riskier than staying protected.

The contradiction is painful.

Wanting closeness while protecting yourself from it.

Wanting connection while keeping part of yourself hidden.

But for many people, that tension feels completely normal.

It certainly did for me.

The good news is that awareness changes things.

Once you can see the pattern, you no longer have to live inside it unconsciously.

And sometimes the first step toward deeper connection isn’t learning how to hold on.

It’s learning how to stop running from what you already want.

Until next week,

Terri McNamara

Writer, Storyteller & Memoirist